Take me back when...

Im exhausted, oh i wish i were exaggerating. People say time will heals, but what if it doesn't? Because everyday is more and more heartbreaking for me. We know how people search for meaning in their life, well, seems i just lost mine. Everything I've done, i do, is eaten by void. No matter what i do, no one really cares, not even me.

Oh, how my mom did this without complaining? Everynow and then I've been an asshole, too ambitious proving my worth, but nothing, nothing now. For I always realize that mama is my world--I was an asshole with her world let her live, now since mama's gone, my world is crumbling too.

Song is not just a song to me, it's my mothers' favorite, it's my parents' go-to dance song, it's my fathers' jam. Everynote, every corner has memories and i hate living with it. I hate crying on songs.

Lets be real, i cant give up, so selfish and arrogant of me if i choose to. People need money to live, they need to connect, they need hope. Being out of reach and disappear would only make my life much more miserable. And the afterlife? Like heaven gonna let duchebag like me in. I value peoples' live, not mine. If I know that this particular people will be better off without me, i wouldn't hesitate.

I dont need backbone, i just need to know that the ending will be fair, that we win amongst life, for i live in hell now. Is it so wrong i wanna knock on heavens' door just to see my parents are there? living their best life. I will never understand why? why me? I know it's lunatic to wish anyone experience what I've been through, cuz im telling you the pain and grieve is sickening. Suffocating like cancer, they will take over your body one day, and leaving nothing but mind consumed by the wish for death. Im sure of this cuz I've seen it, with my own eyes, the most strongest person giving up, and i really cant bear how it took the most angelic soul away.

Kill me, kill me now for wanting peaceful mind and heart. For all i ever want is simple life--one without this constant struggle. The hell life without problem is boring, i desire that boring life, gladly trade my pain for that kind of boring. Crying thrice a week is not boring to me, though it's become routine now. The one that keeping me awake is my sisters, in the smallest way they keep me going. Oh the road they must walk on. We crawls on that road, bleeding, and not asking people to pick us up. Just a place to rest and hide from the sun and storms.

Well, we're just puppet aren't we? Struggling to survive the show, just to be woken up to play the great-main show. I'm tired acting fine. I'm tired loving this much, i'm tired caring this deeply. I wanna switch role, i wanna quit.

00.01/10/03/2025.

---Bania/Siweng/Jendul.